mary lincoln and me

From Jodi:

Mary Todd Lincoln

In her youth, Mary Lincoln was considered intelligent, witty, and gregarious. Unfortunately, life would rob her of her happiness, and she became known for her obsessive behaviors such as overeating and extravagant spending, violent outbursts, paranoia, long periods of depression, and multiple suicide attempts. For women of her era, this was more than enough to get her locked up in an asylum. Driven partly by concern for his mother’s well-being (Robert Lincoln was a politically ambitious man, and his mother’s behavior was a liability), her only surviving son committed her to a madhouse. Fortunately for Mary, she had connections and was willing to make a stink. She was ultimately released into her sister’s custody to avoid national embarrassment.

As if Mary Todd Lincoln hadn’t been through enough—two of her four sons died in childhood before her husband’s assassination, and another son died at age 18—she spent much of her post-White House years defending her sanity, even as she was valiantly trying to hold on to it.

Institutionalized for "exhaustion."
Institutionalized for “exhaustion.”

Mary Lincoln wasn’t the only woman diagnosed insane due to grief; history reveals that the cries of bereaved women echoed throughout Victorian era asylums. Women were routinely locked away by men for behaviors deemed unsuitable to their gender: using foul language, moodiness associated with PMS, menopause, or postpartum depression, being too interested in sex, and even for disagreeing with a husband’s religious beliefs. “One symptom was depression after the death of a loved one. For women, if the depres­sion continued to last longer than the woman’s family deemed an acceptable period of grieving, the depression became grounds for admittance to the asylum” (full article).

Surely had I lived during this time, I would have been committed to an insane asylum by now:

  • Violent outbursts/foul language
  • Prolonged periods of depression
  • Overeating / under-eating
  • Exhaustion
  • Addiction

Fortunately, I do not live in a world where women are locked away against their will for these afflictions. Still, my grief over the loss of my son has had a fallout effect not unlike what Mary Lincoln experienced.

We are far from our best selves when we experience loss and grief. Our culture does not address death in any meaningful way. We glorify it in the media, but when it comes to the real deal, many around the bereaved just can’t or don’t want to get it. It’s too painful, especially when we’re talking about the death of children. This societal discomfort often leaves grieving mothers alone in the silence because people “don’t know what to say.” They don’t realize how brutal silence can be.

Mary’s friends and family grew tired of hearing about her grief and didn’t understand her erratic behaviors, and so they distanced themselves from her, and she was very much alone in her final years. This shrinking of one’s intimate circle has happened to me. I have lost many of my most treasured friendships since my son died two years ago. I know why. Some things are just too hideous to look at. I’m one of them. Unlike Mary, however, I have access to support groups, psychiatry, and medication, which I avail myself of regularly in order to function in the outside world.

Inside, she and I are the same, though. We would do anything to ease our suffering, to be understood, to make sense of the senseless. She even consulted spiritualists to connect her to her dead husband and children and was taken advantage of by these charlatans. It’s not so hard to understand, as we look for signs everywhere that our loved ones are not really, entirely, all-the-way gone. But whatever momentary solace or distraction we find in anger or shopping or the bottle, nothing ever restores us. We walk around like amputees, making the rest of the world uncomfortable. That’s why she was locked away. That’s why my friends have ditched me; it’s why so many people sublimate their grief. Not for themselves, necessarily, but for the comfort of others. Those who refuse to acknowledge or deal with their grief will continue to suffer, perhaps silently, but suffer nonetheless. Mary wasn’t capable of silence, and she paid the price. She is regarded by history as one of the most reviled first ladies in our country’s history. Honestly, I’m not capable of stuffing my grief either. It is not how I’m made. It isn’t that I spend my days bleeding all over others, but I do not deny who I am or what I have been through, and I won’t stop talking about my beautiful son—ever. It is why Timaree and I write this blog. It is a natural impulse given our reverence for the written word. But over time, I have found it to be even more significant than my own healing. The writing here has given others the chance to process their own grief, to muster the herculean strength it takes to bring it into the daylight and let it breathe. I can’t say it is always comfortable having my pain and shame on such public display, but if I don’t acknowledge my grief and the fallout from my son’s death, I will certainly die miserable and alone, like Mary.

Once in a while I entertain the what-if fantasy that Mary Lincoln lives in modern America, and I imagine her walking around in a “Fuck Consumption” t-shirt. Maybe instead of being committed to a loony bin, she would check in to a boutique recovery center for a long rest, daily massages and mud baths. At least she would have choices. That’s what I regularly have to remind myself; I have choices that she didn’t, and I need to make better ones, not for the comfort of others, but for me, and in some ways, for Mary too.

7 thoughts on “mary lincoln and me

  1. Much love to you. I’ve always thought it was telling that history remembers her as Mary Todd Lincoln. As if the keeping of her maiden name (what other First Lady of that era wasn’t remembered by her married name?) was some sort of anti-woman qualifier disassociating her from the Lincoln legacy.

    Andrew Holleran’s “Grief” touched on a person dealing with tremendous loss identifying with MTL. Perhaps you would find it a comfort.

    Thank you as always to you and Timaree for sharing your journey. It has helped me deal with loss and also help bolster my determination to be grateful for the health of my two boys. Keith wears Caemon’s shirt still and he will hand it down to Jason. Again, much much love to you.

  2. People seem to have difficulty spending time with those who are suffering life ending illnesses and also those who have suffered losses. Such a shame—right when a person needs their friends most–they seem to fade away. Thank you for sharing your thoughts & your journey with all of us. You remind us compassion is such a powerful thing. I think of Caemon often and can only imagine the young man he would have grown to be. You and Timaree are also in my thoughts. You are certainly entitled to your outbursts, languages and other ways of dealing with your unimaginable grief. Just remember to come back–to the beauty of the world and the memories of your wonderful son.

  3. I find it so depressing that your best friendships have faded away even while you are grieving the death of your son. Are these the same friends who rallied and did such a great job when you were getting the house ready to bring Caemon home? I wonder why ppl are good with tasks and business and not with sitting and just being present. Maybe I’m making huge assumptions.
    I love how you illustrate your own grief and the kind of resources available to you by comparing yourself with Mary Lincoln, who I had never heard of, not growing up here.
    That you are finding comfort with others who have experienced such losses rather than your old friends reminds me of my discovery of the ALI blogisphere when I didn’t feel I could share my infertility struggles with my usual friends. It’s much more comfortable to be among those who get the pain. Although the pain of infertility for me was never too great and nothing even in the same sphere as losing a child.
    Hugs to you both. Speak your truth. We need to hear it!

  4. Still am keeping you both in my prayers and daily send you loving thoughts. Please know that you are not alone.

  5. “We walk around like amputees, making the rest of the world uncomfortable.” What a wonderful and perfect line. I really appreciate this post, thank you for sharing it – I have also often thought of the Lincolns when trying to find some figure to identify with.

Thank you for your replies. We appreciate every comment.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s